


Pulse to pulse

by ca_te



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Jealous Kíli, M/M, Romance, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 20:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it isn't easy to understand love, sometimes hearts break in the process and sometimes, if you're lucky, they get fixed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pulse to pulse

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song "Dissolve me" by Alt-J. The story alternates Fili's and Kili's POV. For the purpose of this story there are only 2 years of age difference between Fili and Kili. This is the longest durincest fic I've ever written. Hope you enjoy! <3

1.

“Kee, open the fucking door.”

“Nah.”

Fili bangs on the door; Dis is already at work and the blond feels entitled to make the more noise that he can to force his little brat of a brother out of the bathroom.

“C’mon, I’ll be late for school!”

The door opens a nudge, Kili’s chocolate eyes peering at him from under wet bangs.

“’sup?”

“Don’t ‘sup me, Kee, and let me come inside.”

Kili grins and Fili is sure there isn’t a creature on Earth as evil as his little brother. He hastens to slip his foot in the space between the door and the doorframe, hoping that Kili won’t be so heartless to crush it.

“You’ve to wake up faster, Fee. Instead than losing time texting good morning to your stupid boyfriend.”

There’s a hard bite to Kili’s words and Fili doesn’t know how to reply. Kili is fast to avert his gaze, moving away from the door and back to the sink. Fili looks at his little brother’s naked back, as he starts to comb through the dark mass of his hair.

“Kee…”

Kili doesn’t reply and doesn’t turn around until he is finished and slips out of the door with a soft, “I’ll wait downstairs”.

2.

Time seems to have become a giant, unmoving rock, Kili thinks, as the chemistry class drags on and on. The thought that he still has two years of high school to go makes him want to throw up. Especially because Fili won’t be there; he’ll graduate at the end of this year, the lucky bastard, and then he’ll be off to college, leaving Kili behind.

It takes the sound of his pencil snapping under his fingers to bring Kili back to the reality of the classroom.

*

“…li, are you even listening?”

Carles slams his locker shut and Kili almost jumps right out of his own skin.

“What the…”

“What’s up with you? You just space out like that. It’s creepy, dude. And unnerving.”

Kili shrugs, offering Carles a small apologetic smile. He knows all too well what is happening to him.

At the opposite end of the corridor Adam playfully ruffles Fili’s short hair before heading for his next class.

*

“What is he doing here?”

Fili looks at him with wide eyes, there’s a plea there, Kili isn’t blind, but he won’t give in to it. Adam turns towards him from where he is sitting in the passenger seat – Kili’s seat.

“Hi.”

And the idiot dares to smile, all perfect teeth and green eyes, and Kili has to dig his nails into his own palm not to punch him.

“Kee, get in the car. We’re giving Adam a lift.”

Kili’s very blood boils at his brother’s condescending tone. He is not a kid, for god’s sake, why can’t Fili see that? Why is Fili so fucking blind all the time?

“I am going back by bus.”

Fili looks at him before turning to look at Adam and Kili hates him for that. Adam shrugs and when Fili turns back towards Kili is expression is strained.

“Kee, plase.”

Kili briefly closes his eyes; he knows he’ll give in if he keeps looking at Fili’s beautiful face. And fuck what is wrong with him anyway?

“No.”

Fili doesn’t get off the car as he walks away and Kili’s heart cracks just a little bit more.

*

“Kili, please.”

Dis is looking at her with sad azure eyes and Kili can feel his heart shrinking inside his ribcage. He can’t stand to be the responsible for that look on his mother’s face.

“All right.”

His arm seems to weight a ton, but Kili brings the fork to his mouth nonetheless and keeps eating, even though his stomach has been in knots all day. Fili remains silent, gaze focused on his own plate.

3.

Teeth sinking in the tip of his pencil, Fili tries to concentrate on his math homework. He keeps getting distracted by the muffled sounds coming from the backyard – the thump of the arrows hitting the target, Kili’s cursing when he misses.

Fili squints at the equations scattered on the textbook pages and wishes he could just go down stairs and sit on the patio, Kili grinning at him every time he hits the center of the bull’s eye. But he can’t. Weeks have piled up since the day Kili refused to get in the car with Adam and Fili isn’t brave enough to breach the distance that has grown between them.

The numbers don’t cooperate and after a while Fili surrenders, pushing his chair away from the desk and getting up. He knows he shouldn’t, but he walks up to the open window nonetheless. Kili is retrieving his arrows, his hair hanging in a messy ponytail, his shoulders set in a tight line. For the umpteenth time, Fili wonders what is going on inside his little brother’s mind. It has something to do with him, Fili knows that, but it just complicates things even more.

He is about to retreat inside the room when Kili turns and lifts his gaze up. Fili isn’t surprised, they have always been oddly connected, often able to sense the other’s presence. He guesses it might be a side effect of having always been closer than most brothers are. Kili doesn’t say anything, simply looks at him, his eyes hard and dark, and Fili holds his breath, feeling as though something is about to fall and crash to the ground. But then Kili turns back around, retrieving the last arrow, before getting back into position.

Fili’s whole body feels heavy like lead as he forces himself to move away from the window.

*

“He is a brat, babe.”

The smoke of Adam’s cigarette remains suspended between them for a few seconds and Fili grips his beer bottle a bit tighter.

“Don’t talk about him like that.”

Adam shrugs, a hand coming up to rub soothingly at Fili’s shoulder.

“Sorry, but it is the truth.”

Fili thinks about Kili - stubborn, irritating, generous and sweet Kili - and a white rage tugs at him until he stands up from the park bench they have been sitting on, beer bottle rolling to the ground.

“He is my brother!”

“Babe, c’mon…”

Fili shakes his head forcefully and takes a step backwards.

“Fili, please.”

“I…I don’t want to talk to you  now. See you tomorrow.”

Adam lets him go and Fili hurries home, emotions jumbling up inside of him until he can’t tell them apart anymore.

*

The next day Adam walks up to his locker holding a rose. Kili all but ignores him as they pass each other in the hallways. Fili wonders if torn hearts end up splitting in two for real.

4.

“Do you want to talk, Kili?”

Ori is looking at him from across the canteen table, a worried look in his kind eyes. Kili shakes his head.

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Have you fought with your brother?”

Kili grits his teeth; he almost wishes they had fought. It would be fixable, it would be better than this. And he hates himself a bit, because all of this wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for his stupid heart. Sixteen years old and in love with his freaking brother. Fate must have a really crude sense of humor.

“No, we haven’t fought. It’s…never mind.”

Ori eyes him suspiciously, but relents and goes back to his lunch.

*

Kili can always tell when Fili fights with Adam and he is certain something happened between the two of them a few days ago, but right now it seems things are fixed between them. He can tell from the sprint in his older brother’s step when they get to school in the morning and it hurts, there’s no other way to put it. Kili knows he is self-destructing, but he can’t stop himself from imagining what it would feel like to be loved by Fili in that way, to be his first thought in the morning and his last in the evening.

He takes up the habit of going to school by bus and tries to be out of the house the more that he can. He misses Fili fiercely, their bantering and their jokes, but the distance makes it a bit more bearable. Maybe one day he will stop feeling as though Fili is the only one for him. The thought doesn’t bring him relief as it probably should.  

5.

“You should just talk to each other.”

Fili sighs; Thorin’s hand on his forearm comes as a surprise.

“Your mother and I are starting to get worried and it’s…you two need to have each other’s back, lad.”

Of course his uncle is right, but what can Fili do when Kili shuts him off and all that is left is silence and this dull longing settling at the bottom of his heart? Fili wants things to get back to how they used to, but he doesn’t know how. He nods anyway, for Thorin’s sake.

*

He takes a deep breath, paper crunching in his hand as he stares at Kili’s closed door. This is the moment to be brave, isn’t it? It is a bit foolish, but it is the only viable thing that came to his mind. So Fili crouches down and slips the note under the door, before hastening back to his room. _I miss you, little brother._

The following morning the note is back in front of his door. Fili’s heart plummets, but then he catches Kili’s slanting handwriting. _I miss you too_.

*

Things get slightly better from then on. Sometimes Kili smiles at him, even though it is way less bright than before. Sometimes they do their homework together at the kitchen table and some days Kili goes to school by car with Fili. It is definitely an improvement, but things aren’t how they used to be.

*

He finds out from Ori, one day after their PE class: Kili is going out with Lara, from his biology class. And shouldn’t he be proud and happy as every older brother? There is nothing of that, though, just an uneasy prickling setting inside his bones. He spends way longer than usual in the shower, as though scalding water could wash away the images of his little brother kissing some girl that are currently crowding his mind.

*

“I hear congratulations are in order, little brother.”

His own voice feels empty to Fili and his blood freezes as Kili looks at him with eyes as cold as stone.

“I imagine you are talking about Lara.”

Fili nods, words somehow stuck in his throat.

“Such a big brother thing to do, uh? What now? You’ll take me out for a drink to celebrate?”

It’s like a punch in the stomach, the venom and the pain latching Kili’s words and Fili doesn’t understand.

“Kee, why do you have to…I am just happy for you.”

Kili slams his history book shut and stands.

“I don’t want you to be happy for me.”

Before Fili can even think about a reply, his little brother has already stormed out of the room.

6.

Kili kisses her because he thinks that’s what he is supposed to do. Maybe it will help after all. But she is soft where Fili is hard lines and she smells of lilies where Fili smells of old leather and his cologne. It is all wrong, but he kisses her anyway, in the schoolyard where he hopes Fili will see.

They don’t talk about Lara again.

*

Nights are the worst. During the day Kili manages to keep himself busy and to keep his thoughts at bay more often than not, but at night it’s harder. When he lies awake in his bed, only a thin wall between his and Fili’s room. When Fili’s smile visits his dreams, along with Fili’s strong and callous hands, touching and worshipping and leaving Kili broken and aching.

*

Fili’s eighteenth birthday party rolls around and Kili gets predictably drunk. What he hasn’t foreseen is the way jealousy viciously claws at his chest at the sight of a tipsy Fili dancing with Adam. The moment his gaze focuses on Adam’s hands splayed on Fili’s lower back, Kili knows he is fucked.

 

 

7.

Adam’s lips taste faintly of the mint he crushed into his mojito and Fili feels himself relax, thanks to the alcohol buzzing through him. Having Adam and Kili in the same place would fry his nerves otherwise. He almost doesn’t feel embarrassed because of how close Adam is pulling him as they dance. Adam is easy, Fili thinks. With him things are never as bright as with Kili, but they aren’t as painful and fierce either.

Then all of sudden Adam’s lips disappear, and a low growl resounds in Fili’s ears.  He blinks himself back to reality only to find Kili standing right between him and Adam, hair a mess and eyes wild.

“Don’t fucking touch him.”

Kili’s voice is raw and the tone sends chills down Fili’s spine. His brain is still trying to catch up, when Adam shoves at Kili. “What do you think you are doing, brat? Are you crazy?”

Blood is roaring in Fili’s ears as time seems to slow down, the music still thumping from the speakers, as Kili lunches himself at Adam. For an instant the only thing that Fili manages to think is that Kili looks beautiful like this, wild and fierce. When Kili lands his first punch, though, Fili’s body finally kicks into motion and he hastens to grab for his little brother, pulling him backwards and away from Adam.

Kili kicks and howls all the way up to his room, Fili stumbling against his drunkenness to drag his brother up the stairs. Thank god Dis is away for the weekend and can’t hear her youngest son screaming like this, the knuckles of his right hand covered in blood.

*

“Why, Kili?”

His little brother doesn’t answer, eyes fixed on the wall, lips set in a thin line, and rage surges like a tide inside Fili. It takes two strides and he is gripping Kili’s bony shoulders, shaking hard.

“What’s wrong with you? Don’t you see it’s making a mess of us?”

Kili’s eyes flash with something Fili can’t pinpoint before Kili is pushing him away.

“We are already a mess, Fee.”

“Then let’s try to fix this.”

“It’s not possible.”

 “But why!”

“Because I fucking love you, okay?”

Kili is panting now and Fili is pretty sure he doesn’t remember how to breathe. His thoughts swirl around like sparrows without sense of direction, his heart beating like a drum. It can’t be, he must have misheard or…

“Fuck.”

Kili’s voice breaks and Fili knows he is about to cry and he wants nothing more than reach out.

“Kee…”

“D-don’t, I…fuck, I am sorry, Fee.”

Kili darts for the door, leaving it open behind him. Fili stands in the middle of Kili’s room, his heart howling.

8.

Kili tries to keep himself afloat. He breaks up with Lara, he throws himself into archery, he basically ends up living at Carles’ house. But there are things he can’t leave behind, like the expression on Fili’s face the night of the party or how heavy his brother’s silence had felt on him, drowning him and crushing his bones.

Fili doesn’t come to talk, doesn’t even meet his gaze if he can avoid it. Kili wonders if he is so disgusted that he can’t even bear to look at his own brother.

*

One afternoon Kili is rummaging in the boxes he keeps under his bed, trying to keep himself occupied, when he stumbles upon an old drawing. The colors have fainted a bit with time, but he can still make out himself and Fili. Above their heads Fili had written: forever.

Kili cries, curled up on the carpet, trying to muffle his sobs the more that he can as love tries to carve a hole right through his chest.

*

The end of the school year is approaching and Kili forces himself to focus on his homework and his tests. Everything inside of him aches at the thought that these might be the last months Fili will live at home and they are wasting them without talking to each other.

He doesn’t want that, he wants to be with Fili, even if that means suffocating his own heart.

9.

Breaking up with Adam after almost a year spent together is hard as expected. But it doesn’t hurt as much as Fili had imagined. There are harsh words and Adam’s hurt gaze to endure, there are the reasons for his decision biting hard at his ankles, but Fili makes it through it all.

That night he cries himself to sleep, tension seeping out of him in waves, leaving only longing in its wake. There is nothing Fili wants more than for Kili to be there. But his little brother isn’t there and Fili doesn’t know if he will ever be back by his side.

*

It isn’t a sudden epiphany, there aren’t trumpets playing. There’s just Fili sitting in the backyard, studying, and Kili walking up to him and flopping down by his side.

“Feel like a bit of bow practice later?”

Kili is smiling, small and shy, and Fili knows this is his brother’s way to tell him he knows about Adam and he is sorry and he is here for him. And when Fili nods and smiles back, that’s when he knows.

*

“Wait.”

Fili’s heart gets stuck in his throat as Kili turns. It is the last day of school and most students have already left. Fili has just emptied his locker, a weird feeling settling over him at the thought that he won’t be back in this place next year and his heart wobbles at the sight of the softness that is back in Kili’s eyes.

For a few instants they just look at each other, standing on the school stairs, until Fili can feel something snapping inside of him and he is taking Kili’s hand.

“Fee where are we going?”

Fili looks at his brother from over his shoulder, heart thumping with anticipation.

“It’s a surprise.”

*

The small artificial lake used to be their favorite place when they were kids. Over time they had kind of forgotten it, but Fili came back during the months of silence, when memories of Kili’s smiles were the only company.

Kili huffs out an incredulous chuckle. “I haven’t been here for ages.”

“I know”, Fili realizes he is still holding Kili’s hand. But his little brother doesn’t seem to mind and he doesn’t want to let go just yet. Feeling brave, he squeezes Kili’s hand gently and his heart stutters as Kili squeezes back.

It is almost surreal; they have always touched each other throughout their lives, but this feels completely different. Fili’s breath hitches as he notices the faint blush dusting his little brother’s cheeks. Who knew he could look so adorable?

Fili sucks in a shaky breath and stops right on the small lake’s shore. The water ripples under the summer sun. Kili looks down at him, already slightly taller than Fili despite being two years younger. There are so many things Fili has to say – _I am sorry for all the pain. I am so fucking scared of what I feel for you. I don’t think I would be able to love anyone else as much as I love you._

But words are tricky things and right now Fili doesn’t want to mess up, so he just leans forward until his lips brush against Kili’s and his whole body seems to shut down at the feeling.

10.

“C’mon, Kee. Time to get up.”

Kili rolls on his side, burying his face against Fili’s naked chest. Fili chuckles and Kili feels the beginnings of a smile blossoming on his own face. Waking up like this is fantastic. They don’t get to do it often, only when Kili visits Fili in college for the week end, but it is better than nothing. Fili’s hand runs up and down his back and Kili feels so light he could float.

It hasn’t been easy. That first kiss cracked Kili’s heart open, but it wasn’t a magic spell, it couldn’t erase the fact that they are brothers and society doesn’t look kindly on that. It was a hard feeling to comprehend, loving a brother like that and more than once they stumbled. They still do, but they have also grown stronger somehow. Letting go of each other’s hand is no longer an option.

*

They always take their time on Sunday mornings, unlike Friday night, when Kili arrives in Rivendell from home and he just _needs_ to have Fili around him, inside him, touching and biting and marking. On Sundays Kili can take his time, lapping and teasing and tasting, Fili sprawled open and gorgeous underneath him.

Kili is sure is favorite sound in the whole world is the sound of Fili moaning his name when he comes.

*

Kili eyes the bus as though it is a monster and then looks back at Fili.

“I don’t want to go back home.”

Fili cards a hand through his hair, his smile is tender and Kili’s heart leaps at the sight. That smile is meant only for him and for no one else and love and possessiveness twisting together inside him.

“I’ll come back home next week end, Kee.”

“It isn’t soon enough.”

Fili chuckles, a precious sound, and Kili pulls him closer, hugging him fiercely.

“You’ll think of me during the week, right?”

“I always think of you, Kee.”

Kili smiles and holds Fili a bit closer.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, feel free to leave me prompts [here](http://bluecloudsupabove.tumblr.com/ask) (also on anonymous if you prefer)


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